Can you imagine…
Your mind flooding with doubt and questions… the rush of adrenaline as you face the unknown. Stepping up over the edge of the boat and lowering yourself onto the rushing waves. First a toe, testing whether you can actually accomplish such an amazing feat… then your foot… then both feet. Now you’re walking, gaze fixed on the Savior. You take one step on the water, then two. Your pace begins to pick up as you trust that your next step will not lead you to plunge into the depths of the crashing waves. Then you remember they are crashing. The noise blocked out by the wonder returns and hits you full force, causing your mind to whirl. You panic. Your breathing gets faster, sweat spots your brow, you frantically look around you for the wave that will send you under. And that’s when you feel it... the water you were walking on is now closing over your feet. You close your eyes and cry out for help.
I don’t know about you, but when I heard the story of Peter walking on the water in Matthew 14:22-32 I used to question why he would allow fear and doubt to overcome him. Jesus himself was right there calling to him. Throughout his life Peter had watched Jesus raise people from the dead, heal the sick, and continually love and guide the disciples. And yet he still bowed under the pressure. Man am I quick to judge Peter, but just like Peter I fall into debilitating fear and doubt time after time.
Now, I could argue that I don’t have Jesus standing physically in front of me beckoning me to Himself, but God’s hand is apparent in countless ways in my life. Through prayer I have seen God heal sick friends and relatives, God has saved me from near death experiences, He has showed His love through orphans and friends, He is forever present and with me. He calls me to His plan for my life, full of wonders big and small, that reveal His power and majesty… and here I am laughing at Peter for sinking when there are many times that I can’t muster up the courage to even move toward the edge of the boat. The fear starts to well up, the doubt in my abilities and my strength appears, and I forget that the Savior of the world is standing right next to me. I forget to rely and trust in His abilities and not my own. So instead of walking, I cower in fear at the plan that seems too impossible and too large for me to accomplish.
One of the most apparent areas of my life in which I, like Peter, begin to sink as I watch the waves is with my depression and eating disorder. Recovery and treatment are frightening, and while it may not seem as frightening and impossible as walking on water, I find the two to be very similar. In both cases one must step out of their comfort zone, into a much more chaotic and stressful environment. The incessant noise and negativity form my dark clouds lashing out and causing a deafening ruckus that turns my head. Below me, the sadness and fatigue whirl around my feet. Anxiety, in the form of wind, tugs me and pushes me in all directions. And soon, my faith that was starting to grow with each tiny step toward Christ is fading. Soon, I take my eyes off God and focus solely on how I can survive each breaking wave and crash of thunder. The whole time God, who called me to take care of my body and wants me to be healthy, is standing beside me. But rather than focus on Him and trust that what He calls me to He will help me overcome, I try to rely on myself. Sometimes, it’s because I have begun to feel self-confident in MY ability to walk on the water (when in reality only God is keeping me afloat), and other times I simply feel lost and unable to focus on God when I have so many loud noises surrounding me. The chaos of the storm seems too big and too powerful to be overcome. And all of a sudden, I am sinking.
So of course, what do I do? I freak out. I flail my arms, cut things out of my life, isolate myself, and do everything I can to control the storm. But… I do not have that much power. And as much as I hate to admit it, unlike Peter, God is not always the first person I turn to. But… eventually I realize that He is the only person I should be turning to, as He is the only person who can calm the storm and save me from drowning.
The beautiful thing is, even though I demonstrate so little faith in these moments,
God does not abandon me. Just like Peter, he reaches out and catches my hand. Now, He doesn’t just let me walk away to repeat my mistakes, but He uses this moment to show me where I need to grow in my faith and trust in Him. He calms the storm and shows His power as the Son of the living God. He helps me to my feet and continues to call me to Himself.
A lot of things God calls us to are way beyond our power and abilities as tiny human beings. They are placed in front of us so that we can’t take credit, because there is no way it could be accomplished without God’s help. But He can’t force us out of the boat. It takes faith in Him and His plan, and trust that He can bring you through something that should be impossible. It takes continually looking to Him, and not being distracted by the worries of things going wrong. But, if you trust Him and stay focused on Him through every step, He can use you in amazing ways.
Lately, I have been sinking, and I am struggling to focus on Him again. But I know that when I seek Him, He reaches out to help me and calms my storm. I just need to keep my gaze fixed on Him.
Now imagine this…
Your foot begins to sink, next the water encircles your knees, then your waist, and you begin to cry out to Jesus as you realize you are powerless to stop the chaos. You don’t know where He is. You lost sight of Him and wonder if He can even hear your call. But He hears you. He reaches out His hand as you are squeezing your eyes shut and He pulls you out of the water. He takes you lovingly back to the boat and the storm dies down. You look at Him, and He gazes down at you. He asks, “you of little faith, why did you doubt?” You peer down at your shoes, your clothes still dripping wet. And you realize that He was there… the whole time. He was there waiting for you to remember that you can’t do this alone. Waiting for you to call and rely on Him. Waiting for you to trust Him and look to Him in the storm. You peer up at Him, knowing this probably won’t be the last time you drown, but also knowing that you must strengthen your faith for the next time He calls you out of the boat. You look at Him in awe and realize that He truly is the Son of God and He has come to save you.
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