Very rarely in our world today do we experience something truly unconditional. I mean no strings attached, always there no matter what, sticking together until the world ends with no expectations (*pause*) unconditional.
Having an eating disorder, I often feel burdensome and ashamed of the hardships I place on my friends and family. Subconsciously believing that love is conditional, as taught by our world, I am constantly fearing my disposal for the difficulty and inconvenience. I mean, it is pretty hard not to view love this way when we consider divorce and separation normal, right? Sadly, this distorts our human comprehension of an all- powerful God (to whom we provide nothing, and from whom we receive everything) who truly loves us unconditionally.
One of the moments I vividly remember struggling with this concepts was leaving the hospital after being force- fed food for a week. Not only was my disorder telling me my weight gain would cause me to be unlovable, I knew of the pressure and stress I had placed on my family as they watched me suffer. I feared that by the end of the road to recovery, everyone I loved would abandon me… even God. The devil was filling my head with lies and in my vulnerability I believed all of them.
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A few days later I left with my senior class to do missions work in the Dominican Republic. I was anxious about the food challenges ahead, and the response of my friends and teachers to my new diagnosis. Although my mind was filled with worry, God had incredible plans for that week. As we headed out to the sugar cane villages, schools, and orphanages over the following days, I was blown away by the love and joy of the children I met. It was unlike anything I had experienced before and I could not get enough! In no time at all I had fallen deeply in love with the country and its people.
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I did not realize it at the time, but the unusual characteristics and energy of the children were due to their completely unconditional love. On my favorite day of the trip we visited our partner school and got to meet the kids we sponsor. As our bus pulled up to the gate the screams and whoops of excitement were clearly audible! Walking into the tiny courtyard I was immediately flooded with hugs and drawings and brilliant smiles. One moment I was being given a handmade bracelet, the next a child was running across the courtyard and jumping into my arms, and a moment later four
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kids were trying to squeeze into my lap with another two holding my hands! I was shocked. In my mind, my weight and past should make me off limits to the type of love I was receiving. I deserved judgement and blame! But God was slowly removing my burden to reveal His unconditional love to me through the hands of the very kids I had entered the country to help. Just as they were loving and desired my attention despite my past and appearance, God is pursuing us and loving us unconditionally no matter how dirty and undeserving we consider ourselves.
Reflecting on these moments on the plane home everything clicked! Yes, my past is messy, my life is complicated, and I can make things very difficult; but God still loves me… He always has. I had been believing the lies of the devil not even thinking about my heavenly Father who had literally sacrificed His one and only Son to die for me because He loves me that much. He loves everyone that much. Matt Chandler puts this in a beautiful way:
“God has seen our unloveliness - the deep brokenness and rebellion in our hearts - and instead of withdrawing He pursues us to the very end.”
Yes, people may walk in and out of our lives, but once you invite God in good luck getting Him out. I cannot tell you how many times I have blamed Him, walked away, became frustrated and angry, cried out for help… and He is still sitting up in heaven listening! I mean, He formed us in our mothers womb, picking out each detail and shaping us into a masterpiece that He hopes to call His own. Why? Not because He needs us to serve Him - He is powerful enough on His own - and not because we are brilliant and could help Him solve the worlds problems - He is all knowing! He formed us because He wanted to have an intimate relationship with us based on love! So no matter how many times you you push Him away or act in opposition to His character He will love you. If you let Him, He will transform you and allow you to shine His unconditional love on the world as the children did for me! You could change lives!!!!
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Now, all of that being said, I definitely still struggle with the idea of being unlovable as I watch people leave or listen to the lies during my vulnerable moments. But, my trip to the Dominican always serves as a reminder of the unconditional love extended to me and those who follow Christ. So don’t be afraid, you will never be too far gone for God. He thinks you are a beautiful and life - changing individual totally worth dying for. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow and His overwhelming love for you will always be UNCONDITIONAL!
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