Submission [n]
the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.
Do those words make you cringe?
What if I told you that submission is a fundamental part of biblical marriage?
Ephesians 5: 22-27 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.”
1 Peter 3:1 “In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live.”
Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
Now I know this can be a touchy subject, but I would challenge those of you who find the thought of submission particularly disturbing to continue reading because God might just find a way to change your mind.
I want to make the claim, that submission, in the biblical context of marriage is quite beautiful. However, it is not easy. Marriage requires sacrifice on both ends which goes against our prideful and selfish human nature. But, when performed correctly, I believe that submission and headship resemble one stunning sacrificial dance.
Have you ever seen a couple’s dance? Like a waltz perhaps. If not go look up one on YouTube, it will help with the picture I am about to paint.
See, in a couple’s dance [forgive me if there is a more technical term], it starts with a bow and courtesy. They join hands, the man taking a position of leadership and the woman following his steps. Yet to onlookers, the image before them is of ONE easy, seamless dance.
In terms of submission and headship the initial greetings, the bows and curtsies, occur at the wedding. There is an exchange of vows and commitment, then they are off to start the waltz of marriage.
Now to understand the dance, I believe you have to start with the man. According to the Scriptures he is entrusted with the role of headship. While enticing to the world with illusions of power and authority, leadership when performed correctly is a great burden. It demands sacrifice and great responsibility. It is not about superiority but initiative. [This momentary marriage]
John Piper defines headship as “the divine calling of the husband to take primary responsibility for a Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.” [This Momentary Marriage]
And in the Bible, you see that the husband’s role model is Christ himself. It is a heavy and honorable calling. But one distinction must be made before we continue. The husband is like Christ but is not Christ. The husband is fallible and prone to fall into the temptations of his flesh. Above all, Christ must remain the wife’s first love, her ultimate leader, and the one she submits to first and foremost. Her husband must be second.
When you look at Christ’s leadership of the church in the Bible you do not see an authoritarian or all-powerful dictatorship leader. You see a servant leader. Jesus did not come to be served but to serve others. And this must be the heart posture of the husband in marriage. He must love as Christ loved.
This means the husband is called to listen to his wife but make the ultimate decision that is best for her and his family. He is called to put her spiritual and physical needs for provision and protection ahead of even his own. He is called to love her to the point of dying for her, just as Christ died for the church.
John Piper puts it this way: “servanthood does not nullify leadership it defines it.” And “When a man joyfully bears the primary God given responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership and provision and protection in the home – for the spiritual well-being of the family, for the discipline and education of the children, for the stewardship of money, for the holding of a steady job, for the healing of discord – I have never met a wife who is sorry she married such a man. Because when God designs a thing [like marriage], he designs it for His glory and our good.” [This Momentary Marriage]
And Timothy Keller in the meaning of marriage wraps it all up beautifully: “By the time Paul wrote to the Ephesians, the relationship of Jesus to the church had been made the model for that of a husband and wife. We, the church, submit to Christ in everything, and the parallel of a wife submitting ‘everything’ to her husband is no longer daunting, since we know what kind of behavior the husband has been called on to imitate. To what role must he submit? To that of savior, a servant-leader, who uses his authority and power to express a love that doesn’t even stop at dying for the beloved.” [The Meaning of Marriage]
So, in a very short and brief way – this concept could be a whole book – we see the husband’s role in the dance. He should not drag his wife this way and that way across the dance floor but guide her in a gentle and loving manner. And when he leads well, it is easy for her to follow.
And I hope through outlining the man’s role you can see why I feel it must be discussed before the women’s role of submission.
Moving forward to the wife, I want to start with 6 things submission is not as outlined by John Piper. [https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/six-things-submission-is-not] Why? Because the world has twisted the beauty of submission.
Submission is not [John Piper]:
1. agreeing on everything
2. leaving the brain at the alter
3. you do not try to influence your husband
4. putting the will of the husband before the will of Christ
a. if there is a choice between the husband and Christ, the choice goes to Christ.
5. getting all of her spiritual strength through her husband
6. living or acting in fear
So how does Mr. Piper define submission?
“Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” [This Momentary Marriage]
Both the Bible and Piper here note that this submission is to YOUR husband, not men. I think one of the dangers of dating is giving wifey privileges to a boyfriend or in other words taking on the role of a wife while still in the dating period. The call for submission is unique to the circumstance of marriage.
I know we mentioned 1 Peter 3:1 earlier but let’s look further into the text at 1 Peter 3:5-6.
“For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God also adorned themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You have become her children when you do what is good and do not fear any intimidation.”
Here Peter paints a picture of womanhood – as Piper puts it, “Unshakable hope in God. Courage and fearlessness in the face of the future. Quiet tranquility of the soul. Humble submission to her husband’s leadership.” [This Momentary Marriage]
Submission is a tendency and commitment to yield to the husband’s leadership. It is a heart posture that humbles itself, and desires for the husband to take initiative and responsibility in the context of her family. It is a calling to mimic the church’s submission to Christ as Lord of their lives. A daily surrender and desire to follow His commands and guidance with confidence that He is leading us down a good path.
Another caveat must be said, however, in that women should not follow the husband into sin. Instead, she should kindly and with love remind him of her willingness to submit yet ultimate responsibility to submit to God.
So again, in a brief short way, we see the wife’s role in the dance. She does not have to be silent or lose all personality. On the contrary, she should use her gifts to support and uplift her husband. A partner, in the beautiful dance as she willingly follows her husband’s lead across the world’s dance floor.
When the picture is painted in full such as this, I find it to be so incredibly beautiful.
And when you get to enjoy this dance, you get to be a part of something so much bigger as well.
See, marriage “stands for the relationship between Christ and the church. That’s the deepest meaning of marriage. It’s meant to be a living drama of the covenant keeping love between Christ and the church.” Just as “God made man in His own image, so He made earthly marriage in the image of His own eternal marriage with His people.” [This Momentary Marriage]
And that is a profound and beautiful thing.
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