My eyes fly open. I quickly assess my situation: the edge of the cliff fading above, the end of my fall lost in the fog below. Unconsciously my legs are moving a thousand miles a minute trying to slow my unfortunate descent down the side of the slope, my arms scrambling for a branch or twig to cling to.
How did I get here? I sift through my memories, only to find my last memory is of me, strolling through a flowery meadow on the way to my destination. A dusty brown path guiding me and providing clear direction. The sound of birds chirping, water flowing along its rocky bed, the wind rustling the trees. It was beautiful. And somehow, I lost my way and have found myself in this predicament. Tumbling down the side of cliff.
As I snap back to reality two thoughts scream in my mind: how far am I going to fall and how long will it take me to get back on track?
A blank mind greets me in response.
I am falling and I am not sure how to stop.
Here we are folks, another day, and another discussion on relapse. Why? Because it is an IMPORTANT and COMMON part of the recovery journey and all you lovely people have either experienced a relapse or may soon find yourself stuck in one.
When you find yourself in a free slide there are often 3 possible responses. The first is comparison & discouragement. Instagram can make the recovery process look simple and glamorous. No one is out here posting their tear-stained face as they try to conquer their fear and eat a challenging meal. If you aren’t careful, you can find yourself full of fear, anger, and hopelessness. The second option is acceptance. Another dangerous path. You realize the difficulty of your journey and decide to turn back or sit where you fall. You accept that recovery is a myth and, while unfortunate, your eating disorder is your destiny. The third route is persistence. When you find yourself in a fall, you assess the situation and methodically plan a way out of the descent or a way back up from the rocky bottom. Despite the bloody knees and sunburned face you keep pushing on, getting up every time you fall. Your mind ever on a life of recovery.
So what do you do when you find yourself in a backslide? I am glad you asked ;)
- 4 Encouragements for Your Backslide -
You are not defined by your relapses. While it can be easy to sit in the disappointment, discouragement and hopelessness get up and brush off the dust. My dear, you are worth so much more than a number and you are no less of a human because it is taking you longer to recover than the Instagram recovery warrior you follow. Take a quick peek in your Bible and remind yourself of who God says you are. Remind yourself of the truth.
“For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I
praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful;
I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-1
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and
self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God
prepared in advance for use to do.” Ephesians 2:10
No two recovery journeys look alike. You are not “doing it wrong” or “failing.” Your journey is simply different than mine. Each disorder, while it can be generally classified, is unique in its constellation of history, symptoms, and presentations. So why should each disorder’s recovery be a carbon copy? You are unique, your disorder is unique, your journey is unique. Do not become easily discouraged because you are not moving as quick or as smoothly as another. Comparison is a dangerous game.
Each backslide produces a learning opportunity. While the relapses are NOT FUN, they provide a unique chance to grow. If you take the time to step back for a moment, you can identify new triggers and stumbling blocks. You can create new, more efficient guardrails. You can learn from the current relapse to shorten your backslide the next time around.
The fact that you have relapsed means you have progressed in recovery. You are not at your starting point any longer, and you can celebrate that. You are choosing life despite the obstacles and challenges. I am so proud of you.
Ok, encouragement is great, but let me give you some practical tips too.
- 4 Tips for the Pit -
Tell someone. This seems simple, but when you find yourself slipping back into old behaviors the ease of continuing in these patterns is tempting. The best way to fight this? Accountability.
Don’t go it alone. Not only is it beneficial to seek human support but reach out to God. He wants to hear about your struggles and desires to carry your burdens with you. You may not feel like you have the strength to continue your pursuit of recovery, but His strength is more than sufficient.
“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from
me. And He said to me. ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made
perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that
the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in
reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am
weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:-10
Keep choosing recovery. Every meal, every beverage, every exercise skipped is one small step to getting back on track. Despite the setback keep pushing yourself to eat challenging foods, embrace the uncomfortable, and endure the anxieties. Keep running toward your goal with equal fervor and passion as before you stumbled. You can make it.
Remember why you are recovering in the first place. It is so easy to lose sight of the “why” behind your goals. Take a moment, jot it down, remember. Choose to fight for energy, for fun with friends, for warmth, for dates, for health, for freedom, for life.
Remember, friends, you are not defined by your relapses, but your decision to remain in recovery despite them.
You got this.
Your Friendly Recovery Warrior
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