Over the past few years, I have come to realize the pain and loneliness of an eating disorder as few (including myself) understand the complex mechanisms behind the disease. I hope this blog post helps not only others understand the pain of living daily life with the eating disorder, but also reveals how to combat the intense thoughts and “noise” associated with the disease by turning to God’s truth.
I am currently in a relapse for anorexia nervosa, and last week I finally decided to write down my eating disorder noise during a panic attack, which is often experienced after eating or wearing uncomfortable clothing. This is the noise many people with my diagnosis hear every day in both the thick of the disorder and especially in recovery. Often, the cause of a lack of eating in anorexia is attributed to quieting this defining noise so the day can be tackled with clarity and peace. (Here is a great link that has a very realistic noise like sound explained by an eating disorder therapist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=UEysOExcwrE)
One day as I was being berated following a challenging recovery meal I decided to try to write down some of the devlish thoughts running through my mind so that I could share with my parents the realities of dealing with ED. The next day I read over the words I had written and was shocked. Reading them as if they were a letter to one of my friends, I can assure you the level of cruelty and hatred would never pass through my lips. Yet, when I hear that noise during the day I typically regard it as real, logical, and appropriate.
After allowing my dad to read through the noise, he suggested writing a response using God’s word to combat what he calls “the devils lies." Only when I began to dig into scripture did I fully understand the false nature of the noisy words that constantly run through my head. Their sole purpose, destroying my life and the future God has planned for me.
This noise is exactly why I will always give my life to God, because if I did not have His voice of truth telling me I am worth it and valuable and loved, I do not know if I would be here today.
So now, here is the truth of God that I wrote to directly combat each of the lies of the noise:
Daughter,
My beautiful beloved creation made in my image (Genesis 1:27)! There is nothing you cannot accomplish if you trust in me and if I am by your side (Philippians 4:13). So, do not be afraid or discouraged for I am your God who will help you and hold you (Isaiah 41:10). My dear, I am close to the brokenhearted and I rescue those whose spirits have been crushed (Psalm 34:18). I will restore you and turn your broken story into something amazing… just have faith (Joel 2:25).
My love for you will never fail (1 Corinthians 13). You are altogether beautiful my darling... breathtaking in every way (Song of Songs 4:7). Even in your darkness I have loved you... loved you to the point of sacrificing my only Son for you (Romans 5:8). You are worth more than rubies, my daughter, don’t forget how precious you are (Proverbs 3:15).
Before you even took your first breath, I set you apart (Jeremiah 1:5). I have so many plans for your life… if you trust me and my plans you will touch the lives of so many people (Jeremiah 29:11). I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born (Isaiah 66:9). Your darkness and mistakes of the past are not too broken and messy for me to use (Psalm 147:3-5). You are never alone, for even your deep-water moments and baggage cannot drive me away (Isaiah 43:2). Come to me with your guilt and fears and I will give you grace, mercy, forgiveness, and rest (Matthews 11:28).
My Son came to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners (Isaiah 61:1). If my Son has set you free, you, my darling are free indeed (John 8:36). You can have life in Christ because while you will have travel, I have overcome the world (John 16:33). Where my light shines, no darkness will overpower it (John 1:5). So, my love, know and cling to my truths, for the truth will set you free (John 8:32).
My love for you endures forever, my daughter (Psalm 118:1),
God
The devil may be crafty… he may want to destroy those who follow Christ… and he may try everything he can to deter you from obeying and trusting God’s plan… but he is not our all- powerful God. The truth God has provided for us in Scripture will always be more reliable and truthful, allowing us to find peace and stillness within the storm the devil is concocting.
So if you struggle with these noises… I know how painful it is, I understand. You are not alone, and I would love to be there for you if you need someone to listen!
If you know someone with an eating disorder… I hope this may help explain some of the behaviors and difficulties in living with and overcoming the disease.
But whoever you are, I want you to walk away fully aware of the power of God’s word to combat the lies of the devil. They will provide you joy and rest despite the chaos of the world and devilish voices around you. Lean into him. His truth will set you free.
No, life is not easy, not in the slightest. But, with God on your side you can slay even the toughest giants! He is the reason so many of us are alive and have the gift of eternal life! He gets all the glory, FOREVER!
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