Sitting in the Dark

“How do you help a friend who is struggling with mental illness?”

For some reason this question always stumps me. I mean… as someone with one of these illnesses you would think I might have an inside scoop on useful tips, unique nuggets of wisdom, or solid do’s and don’ts from my years of experience. BUT mental disorders can be incredibly tricky. The brain is a pretty mysterious place and many of its illnesses have presentations as unique as the individuals they inhabit. So, not only is it hard to understand because it is not a visible problem, it is hard to know what to do because there is no textbook answer. No one-and-done solution that works for all cases.

And this is the plight of your loved one. They see your compassion and know your desire to help, but when you ask what can be done, often they are not entirely sure. Just like you and I they often do not see a clear fix, though sometimes they may be able to articulate a few coping mechanisms that might do the trick.

Now, I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in God-things, events and situations so perfect or random that only God could orchestrate something to this extent… for example, the perfect quote found at the perfect time to help you figure out something your brain has been wrestling with for months. How on earth do people help you when you are having one of THoSe days and no one really knows what to do? Well, this small bit of knowledge came to me from a Pinterest quote:

“if you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark.”

On bad mental health days, when the person you care for does not have the energy to get out of bed and follow routine... On these horrible days where the disorder seems too large and strong to fight... The absolute best thing you can do is simply be there and sit in the dark with them.

This may appear a bit counterintuitive, especially for those of you who are fixers, but trust me on this one as someone who has been there. On these dark days, I do not want someone to drag me out of bed to fight, everything already hurts. On these dark days, I do not want someone to impart wisdom and shed light on my situation, I know the light is there but right now I feel too tired to reach for it. On these dark days, the absolute BEST thing you can do is to just let me know you are still in my corner and you will be with me when I am ready to see the light again.

And not only is this sometimes all we can physically manage after days of fighting and feeling so much, but it also helps fight a very real fear. See, when my eating disorder was at its strongest, I was afraid I would never find normal again. I was afraid of recovery because I knew it would bring even more pain and the fight would intensify. But to be honest, the most frightening thought of all was that when I got through to the other side there would be no one left but me and God.

Now don’t hear me the wrong way. GOD IS ENOUGH. He is more than enough. But it is hard to think of a life without your family and friends, those who love and support us here in this realm. And when you sit with us, this fear becomes slightly alleviated because it says - I may become frustrated, confused, or upset but I will stick with you in the dark. And then I will help you up on wobbly legs and together we will someday walk you into the light. Because though I am meeting you where you are now, I love you far too much to leave you this way forever.

And is this not what Jesus did for us?

Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

He met us in our mess and on our dark days, not keeping Himself from sitting with those in need. In those spaces, with the spiritually sick, His influence made an impact, and His words fell with soft authority. And while He met us in our sin, He loved us too much to leave us there. So, by His death and sacrifice a way was made for us to reach salvation, and with Him when we are ready we walk into the light of a relationship with God.

God loved us at our darkest. And I believe this is the key to helping others through mental illness.

There is so much shame, guilt, and fear that comes with these illnesses. While we may not be able to give you the most exact answer, we are always ready for quiet company that can slowly walk with us towards the light and remind us of our loving Father who is walking beside us too.