Guilt and shame, in my opinion, are two of the most effective and powerful weapons used by the devil against followers of Christ. Like shackles, they prevent you from living a life in full surrender and full abandon as you never feel quite qualified or good enough to follow the callings God has placed on your life. You begin questioning if God will truly accept someone as broken and needy as you are. You begin to separate yourself from others in fear of burdening them with the trials you have been assigned. You hide from the beautiful life God has designed for you.
This is something I have now struggled with since the moment I entered the hospital. First, it was fear of the medical bills that would soon appear on our kitchen table listing the thousands of dollars I cost for hospital stays, visits, and intensive outpatient programs. I decided I would no longer allow my parents to buy me anything. Next, came the shame of my panic attacks and random outbursts that were almost a daily occurrence as I tried to face my biggest fear every day. I felt like I had tainted so many would-have-been- amazing memories because all that could be remembered was tears over shorts that no longer fit. So, I decided I would try to be the most perfect daughter anyone could ask for. For all the fear I put my family through in my darkest moments of depression, for all the meals that were uncomfortable due to my silent tears, for all the missed events and the money spent on special foods and new clothes I felt awful and in debt. Even with friends, for the months I had disappeared, and with God for the distance, I felt like I deserved absolutely no one and nothing without having to make payment for what I had done. I wanted… I NEEDED… to pay it all back. But I soon realized I would never be able to accomplish such a feat and decided that I would have to live the rest of my life under the influence of the never-ending company of the guilt and shame.
But, as always, God showed up, and through two amazing acts He has started to slowly remove the guilt and shame that I had befriended and become entangled with. The first act was more like a long drawn out play with many scenes, all involving my parents. After a few months, they begin to realize my short freak outs over $20 spent on gifts or food for me was beyond unnatural. So, like any good parents they confronted me about it. For a while I refused to admit the problem and simply claimed I was trying to be more independent and prepare myself for the real world. But parents have a special skill for seeing behind the lies and excuses of their children and eventually we got to the core of the problem: my guilt and shame over my eating disorder, relapses, and period of depression. As I sat listening to them, I nodded my head at their claims of having more than enough money and mmmhmmed to their statement about wanting to provide for their daughter. However, I still felt in debt of something I could never repay. Finally, my dad said something that broke through the fog: "You are my daughter. I would pay that and more to have you alive with me here." Wow. God was most definitely speaking through my earthly father that day to convey a heavenly message and begin cutting away the chains.
But it didn’t click at first. In fact, I think I am fully realizing this now as I write my story, but that was when God also began to remove the shame and guilt that I had brought into our relationship. What an incredible example my dad was of God interacting with us? We owe an un-payable debt for Christ’s death in our place on the cross. No matter how hard we try, no matter how good we are, there is absolutely no way to ever return the favor of a life saved and the pain and suffering endured. But God does not want us to carry the shame and guilt of our sin. He wants us to share with Him our innermost turmoil. He wants us to lay it at His feet in repentance and give it to Him to use to impact others. He is looking down from heaven saying, “Daughter, son, you are mine. I would pay that price, the life of my one and only Son, and more to have you spiritually alive and in heaven with me for eternity.”
The second event occurred in church. Before that moment in December, I had carefully guarded and protected the story of my past in fear of being judged or looked at as an attention seeker. I wanted others to see me as put together and whole, not the broken mess that I was. But, as usual God had other plans. Sitting alone in a row at the high school theatre where my church was being held, I was listening to the pastor speak when another quiet voice cut in. All it asked was for me to share my story. And no, I did not audibly hear the voice of God saying this, but I felt a tug on my heart that I had rarely felt or obeyed when it did appear. My first instinct was to scream “no!” before I realized I was in a church service. God got me where I had to listen… yikes! I swear I almost had an anxiety attack about sharing something so personal and painful with others but I (after many many minutes of deliberation) decided that the surrender I was striving for required a yes. So, I shared.
No, I have not revealed my whole story yet. Removing two powerful forces in life is not that easy, but the more I share, the less power those debilitating forces seem to have. Even better, that tiny, whispered yes has transformed my life as I have been slowly freed from the shame and guilt, and gotten to hear the powerful testimonies from those of you who have shared with me. My surrender to God and vulnerability through His strength and at His request has opened a door to a life I would have never been able to access had I ignored God’s tugging. I won’t lie, as an introvert I struggle so hard to share life with all of you! I am a bit awkward and sometimes I do hold on to pieces of life I feel urged to share for too long. I must thank you though, because over and over you guys have shown me support and grace!
And through these two moments in life I started to realize that a life of shame and guilt was never what God intended for me. Instead, He sent His son to free me from just that - the shame and guilt of my sin. Not that we should not be convicted and feel sorrow when we disobey, but it should not define our lives once we have gone to God in repentance. For that negates the work God did on the cross to release us from that very thing. If God says we have been forgiven, we are forgiven indeed and should live in that grace.
I just wanted to close this out by saying how thankful I am for you and for such a gracious God! And, if you ever need someone to talk to or share your stories with I would love to hear how God is working in your life or provide encouragement for you like you have done for me! And always remember, that no matter what you are struggling with God wants to hear from you and will always meet you with love and grace!
I love you all!
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