Say It Out Loud

It has been a while since I addressed eating disorder recovery. So I figured it was about time for another post.

If you asked me what I felt was one of the most important components of recovery I would without hesitation inform you that the ability to claim what you are struggling with out loud is pivotal.

Why? You are unable to take ownership of your own healing if you deny that there is something you need to heal from.

After I was placed into Nationwide Childrens on account of my eating disorder I would not speak its existence out loud. I was in therapy, I was eating based on a strict meal plan, I was unable to exercise without requiring additional calories and yet I did not accept what I knew in my head to be true. Based on these circumstances I was completely aware that the way I engaged with food was abnormal and disordered, yet I refused to take ownership of my condition. In my mind, I would explain it away by calling it healthy eating, self-discipline, coping with chaos... I was perfectly happy remaining in my state of destruction. This state of denial persisted for roughly two years. Friends and family knew what was happening, but I was in a state of denial.

Then, in 2018 God challenged me to say it out loud.

I remember the moment distinctly. I was sitting by myself in the folding seats of Rock City's Westerville campus. My journal and Bible propped open in my lap as I engaged with the sermon, scribbling my notes and thoughts upon the page. That is when I heard it... barely audible but jarring all the same.

"You need to start a blog and share your eating disorder experience, the lessons and the heartache. Spread awareness and point people back to me."

I froze, pen hanging above my note sheet. "Did I hear that right? Nope, there is no way. I refuse to share the most vulnerable part of me with people. What would they think? What would they say? Would they assume it is all for attention? I cannot do this." Yet throughout the remainder of the service my heart was unsettled. My mind at war with the idea of starting a blog to share my experience fighting Anorexia Nervosa.

I struggled with this for a while... eventually I caved but of course I had my conditions. I will keep this blog up only as long as it is helping one person fight and recover from the same illness that is trying to destroy me.

The funny thing was... I thought God wanted me to start up Unconditional to help others. But, really He was helping me. Unconditional has given me a family of followers who understand and empathize with what I am going through, those who want to learn more about eating disorders, and people who support me and pray for me as much as, or more than, I do for them.

And, it gave me a space and the courage to finally say it out loud. I suffer from Anorexia Nervosa. I have a history of an eating disorder. I have been to therapy. And I need Jesus desperately. And it showed me that when I say it out loud the world will not crumble, instead, it opens up even further.

Maybe you are hesitating, saying to yourself - what is the difference between admitting it in my head and saying it out loud? According to Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist, when we express our thoughts out loud we become more aware of what is going on in our mind. In other words it makes it more real. We engage the language center of our brain and become more intentional about our thoughts.

So what changed after I finally took ownership of my illness?

1. I found more motivation and a greater desire to recover. I had finally named and called out what was attacking me, I was no longer in denial of my destruction.

2. My chains loosened. The devil had done his best to convince me that if I took ownership people would leave me and I would heap embarrassment and shame upon my own head. And I will not lie, people did leave. But I found myself more free than ever before. I had taken matters into my own hands and was sharing on my own terms. And the more I shared the less embarrassed or vulnerable I felt. I realized all the devil had done was lie to try to keep me isolated and alone.

3. I met others who were just like me. I know this one may sound cliche or silly, but by being vulnerable I was blessed with your vulnerability.

4. I finally felt free. No more secrets left here.

And now I will tell random strangers about my eating disorder if it comes up in conversation about my tattoo or past. I am no longer embarrassed but empowered to help others find their voice and normalize suffering from mental health conditions. Suffering from Anorexia Nervosa is no different than suffering from diabetes, except my brain is ill rather than my pancreas.

So say it out loud. Take ownership of your healing. Do not deny yourself the right to recover.