"REST"... Yikes!!!!

Any of you who knows me knows that I have a very hard time resting. I am 100% always busy, booking my schedule until I absolutely cannot fit another event. Every year I wind up sick in bed, promising myself that things will change when the next school year rolls around. Yet every year I find myself right back in the same position, busier and more stressed out than ever.

Last year I began to feel God tugging on my heart, calling for me to change my busyness. He, as well as I, had noticed the relationship lacking as I skipped Bible studies, devotionals, and prayer to finish all the work piled on during the week. Not only was I physically drained but avoiding the time essential to strengthening my relationship with God left me spiritually drained as well. I had several friends who had given up school work for one day a week to spend extra time with God, and as I listened to the Holy Spirit I felt called to follow in their footsteps. Except, every time I felt that tugging I came up with logical reasons to not do what God wanted me to: 1. I would end up with more to do and more stress, 2. I would have to be up later on other nights to finish my work and would end up sick, 3. I didn’t have time for rest. I easily concluded that a day of rest just wasn’t for me.

As the current school year rolled around, I again became aware of my calendar filling up with a million little things to do. My desire to follow God, having grown from last year, kept Him a part of my daily life, but I still felt drained. Again, a tiny voice and nudging welled up inside of me asking me to trust and rest in God. It wasn’t until two Sundays ago when my pastor was addressing our need to take a break from certain things in our life to make room for better things that I really started to listen. I recalled all the times I had tried desperately to keep up with my homework by my own power despite God’s calling and failed. Then I remembered all the times I had listened to his calling and ended up with far more than I could ever have asked. So, I that moment... with the Lord’s strength only… I said yes to taking one day off of school per weekend.

Now, I am fairly certain that there are a number of people reading this questioning why anyone in their sane mind would refuse to take a day off of school when God was literally telling them to do so. But it all comes back to my need for control and my desire for perfection. First with my eating disorder, then with my incessant busyness… and still God was patiently helping me learn to trust in Him and let go. Through this process I have realized biggest obstacle in all of this is fear. I am afraid that letting go will mean lower grades, a worse running time, a heavier weight… when in reality letting go means gaining more life and losing less to anxiety and worries.

This acknowledgment has constantly drawn me back to my absolute favorite verse:

Matthew 10:29 – 31 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from the will of your heavenly Father. And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Why am I afraid? Do I not trust the God of the universe with my life? The answer is sometimes (a lot of the time) yes. I am not a perfect Christian… I mess up a lot! I am still growing in my faith. I am still learning to surrender, to live in obedience to God’s plan, to pray about the little things, and to live everyday hand in hand with God. And that is ok.

God knows we are human, that is why He has given us grace and patiently leads us to the right path. He knows that stepping into something new can be frightening and uncomfortable, but He loves us too much to let us remain where we are comfortable. Instead, He calls us right into the center of our fears and meets us there to drive them away with His promises and His presence. Here, we will find growth and maturity that would never have come if we continued to refuse His gentle beckoning to Himself. All we have to do is keep our eyes focused on the one who created us, gave us our purpose, and is developing us and preparing us for what He has in store. And it will be scary, our God is a big God and His plans are big plans. But, we just have to remember He loves us more than any other creation so that fear has no place within us.

So, in full honesty, being completely vulnerable, I have to admit that I am a bit terrified. I have already contemplated turning back several times, and I am not quite sure I can do this. But… I am learning to step towards God and let go of fear and control. I am going to need prayers and patience, but let’s see how this goes. If I can encourage you with one quote for the week (and I honestly don’t know who it’s by but I promise it isn’t me…) “let your faith be bigger than your fear!” We can learn to do this together!