Mental Illness. It reminds me of an ocean.
It is vast and overwhelming, scientists are just now starting to explore the depths of all that it is and all that it contains.
It is powerful, just as lapping waves slowly shape the shore, mental illness slowly changes who you are, how you think, and how you respond.
Many have set out on the sea and lost their lives along the way, caught in the waves.
It is deep, reaching thousands of miles, just as mental illness is deeply rooted in our genetics, our childhoods, our being.
It fluctuates and changes, clear as glass one day and full of turmoil the next. No day quite alike.
And if you aren't careful it is quite easy to become lost.
There is a prominent story in the Bible about a man who was almost lost to the ocean. One of the 12, Peter, was crossing the water in a boat after Jesus had finished speaking to a multitude. He was with several others, and had a considerable distance to travel. Suddenly, in the distance they noticed a figure walking to them on the waves.
They were terrified.
Jesus noticed their fear and yelled out to them - "Do not be afraid!" Recognizing the voice Peter responded, "Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come."
Peter stood up, climbed out of the boat, and began to walk to Jesus... on the water. Eyes focused, he was achieving his goal and defying the odds. Until, he looked around and lost sight of his focus. The deep blue, almost black waves beneath his feet reminding him that where he stood was not firm and steady ground but deep and concealing. The wind roaring, pulling at his hair and clothes, reminding him of its constant, loud presence. The dark night, closing in.
He began to sink.
Immediately Jesus was by his side reaching out to catch him. "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" Then, the two climbed into the boat, the wind died down, and they continued on.
Sometimes mental illness is quiet, a subtle background noise to life. You are able to think clearly, wake refreshed, and tackle the day with new motivation. Recovery is easier. You understand your worth, you feel the love of God overwhelm you. You feel at peace with your past, content in your present, and unafraid of your future.
But then, in a seeming moment, mental illness can turn chaotic. It may become loud, messy, and unorganized. You feel abounding pressure to get better and continue on the path of success, but feel alone and hopeless to get there. Slowly you withdrawal from society as the negative thoughts grow louder, the emptiness feels deeper, and the fatigue overwhelms your body.
Your gaze shifts, from God, and all the peace, love, and strength found in his presence to the wind and waves that have surrounded you.
You sink.
In these moments it is very easy to feel alone, even surrounded by friends and family. Not because they are insignificant or because they are behaving poorly, simply because your brain convinces you no one else is capable of understanding your inner turmoil. Often times, this is an exaggeration, as mental illness is becoming ever more prevalent in our society.
But even if no one else around you understands there is Jesus.
He sees the tears you cry when you are alone.
He knows the pain and pressure that sits in your chest as you go throughout your day.
He sits by you in the moments you feel loneliest.
He understands the thoughts that plague your brain and keep you up at night.
He knows you.
And he is there beside you reaching out his hand when you feel like you are drowning, waiting for you to take it so he can pull you into the safety of his presence. Where there is peace, protection, and shelter from the storm.
I know it is hard to focus on God in times like these, so here are some ways I have learned to reach for God when I feel like I have no energy and no mental space to do much of anything:
Worship music. With a few clicks and little effort you can surround yourself with music that reminds you of who God is and all he can do in your life. Music is also a great way to help block out some of the chaos in your brain.
Have someone else read devotions with you. Not only does this help you engage with God's word, it also provides accountability and relationship. When I was in the hospital for my eating disorder my mom would read to me from the Bible after meals. I did not have the strength but she was more than happy to come along side me and bring God's word and His peace into that space.
Youtube a sermon. There are tons of sermons available online that can speak to you. Maybe it is hard for you to find the energy to pull out your bible, read the pages, and meditate on the word, but maybe pulling up a podcast and listening to the words seems more doable.
Write in a prayer journal. God wants to hear from you. Even if all you can manage is a few words He hears you. The Bible even says sometimes when you cant find the words to pray the Spirit will intercede for you.
Fill your home, your car, your work space with post it notes of verses that will encourage you, remind you of who God says you are, and remind you of who God is.
- Healing is hard, but God will see you through. He is bigger than any storm -
"When it feels like you're empty and hurting alone know that God is present in this space with you. And as you draw near to Him. He will draw near to you. He sees what no one sees. He hears what isn't said but is cried out by the heart and He will restore you."
- Brittney Moses
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