I thought it might be interesting to briefly discuss the relationship between eating disorders & marriage.
For those of you who may be newer to my site, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa 6 years ago and have been on a recovery journey ever since. Throughout these years I have suffered many relapses but also found much growth as step by step I slowly embraced this new life I was given. In 2020 I began dating Micah Hastings and by last July we were happily married. While marriage is an absolute joy, it is a rather large life change.
While Micah had been a dear friend of mine for the entirety of my journey the roles were about to shift. No longer would my parents act as my primary accountability partners or hold the majority of the responsibility when it comes to my health and wellness. As my husband, Micah would take on those roles in my life. Unlike my parents, he had not attended the outpatient program with me and been educated on meal prep, the complexities of the disorder, triggers, or mindfulness techniques. He had not been witness to the private battles and through trial and error had not learned when to push and when to support. None of this was his fault or responsibility. During our dating years that was never a responsibility that was his to bear, our lives were not one but independent. Yet now as one, there were new roles and to navigate.
So, there we were on August 1st with the exciting new title of husband and wife. And like everything in marriage, learning how to pursue recovery together took time and patience. I know we wish some aspects of this journey would simply fall into place with ease, however, it is a long and difficult path that requires perseverance and endurance to conquer.
Today, almost 8 months into our wonderful marriage, our method to the madness is still not perfect. There are days when patience wears thin, or ED is feeling particularly stubborn and difficult. But we are partners with more experience under our belts than that first day. Now, I want to put a little disclaimer here because I entered marriage around 75% recovered. So these tips from our personal experience may not fully apply or be a complete list for someone who may be just entering their personal recovery journey. Furthermore, no two eating disorders are alike. Regardless, I will do my best to share a little bit of what God has taught us with you in hopes it may be of some assistance.
For the spouse, I would recommend watching videos, reading articles, or finding some highly recommended books that will provide some education on the complex and difficult nature of eating disorders. The understanding of your spouse that can be gleaned from these professionals and personal stories can be invaluable. Not only can you learn the basis of what a disorder is, but you can become privy to recovery essentials that will be of benefit during this next stage. Fighting ED is hard, it is even harder if you do not know who exactly you are fighting. Micah read a few books and watched a few videos while we were dating and would surprise me with his knowledge of what I dealt with and how much wisdom he portrayed in assisting me with recovery. It made me feel valued that he would educate himself on what I was battling to better help me in my recovery journey. The books he read [that he remembers the name of lol]: loving someone with an eating disorder.
For the one in recovery, remember, your spouse is NOT responsible for taking ownership of your recovery. Yes, I believe they should partner with you and provide support. But only you can decide that you really want to engage in recovery. Only you can take ownership for your healing. They cannot do that for you and it would be wrong of you to place that responsibility on their shoulders.
While your spouse can be a wonderful accountability partner and support for you on this path, they should not be the only member on your team. Fighting ED daily is exhausting physically, mentally, and emotionally for everybody involved. Just because you are married does not mean you should throw away everything from before. You can and should continue to seek professional care and assistance from friends and family.
And spouse, also take care of your health. Burnout is real when you are involved intimately in the care of another. You need to be okay taking time for you to rest and engage in stress relief. Do not be afraid to ask others for support.
Communication. Communication. Communication. You have been on this recovery journey for a while, or at least dealing with ED personally for a while. Your spouse has not, they are playing catch up. The best thing you can do to stay on the same page is talk. Do not bottle up emotions. Do not let your relapses go unnamed. Do not keep everything inside. Talk to your spouse. Let them know what is going on, let them know what they can do to help, and let them know what may be harmful. You are the expert on you, so share that wealth of knowledge. And to the spouse, be an active listener, but also communicate your feelings. This is hard for you as well, and that is okay.
Micah and I have a rule in place that he never comments on my weight or physical appearance in a negative light. Some may feel like this is lying, but I think it is just a healthy boundary that should exist when your partner has struggled with image in the past. No matter how mad we are, this rule is upheld. Those comments would be devastating to me, especially from someone's opinion I value so greatly. If for example someone asks if their outfit makes them look fat [the dreaded question], respond with something like: "Love, you look beautiful/handsome as always, but I have always loved that skirt with this top instead." OR if they ask should I exercise today, you can respond with: "if you feel you have the energy it is not to make up for food you have eaten I think moving your body is very beneficial for your health! But rest days are important as well."No comment on their body present. It is just a different but important way of reframing.
Proceed with life as normal as much as possible. Obviously some situations are incredibly stressful and take time to adjust too, so keep communication open. But, for me, watching Micah interact positively with food and exercise helped me to do the same. He provided an excellent example and pushed me in ways he probably never realized. Slowly, by exposing me to things that are difficult, but never pushing too hard, he helped me overcome many fears.
You will need an abundance of grace and patience for each other, ask God to supply what you need. He will. You are both learning how to navigate recovery in the context of marriage. It is not easy, but it is worth it. Be gracious with each other on bad days, they will happen. Be patient as he/she learns the ropes of recovery, this is all new.
Do not ignore your disorder. Despite both of you hating its presence in your life and marriage, it is there. Ignoring it will only allow it to grow. In time, with dedication and persistence, it will slowly shrink and dissipate.
When it comes to intimacy, be patient, it can be very challenging for those in recovery. But as their trust grows and as you lift them up by encouraging comments and positive remarks it will become easier. Those moments are full of vulnerability for both parties. So, as hard as it may be, do not rush it. Be slow and gentle, stay positive, and listen to each other in the bedroom.
Finally, pray pray pray pray pray. God understands you and your partner more than anybody else that walks the earth. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance. Ask Him for strength and patience. Ask Him for grace and mercy. He hears your cries and prayers; He has not forgotten or left your side. Run to Him, He is waiting.
I hope you find these 11 basic tips beneficial. I know recovery is hard, and being married invites its own challenges into the mix. Remember, you love each other, and that love is rooted in Christ who is a firm foundation. It will take time, but with communication and prayer you will find your own tried and true ways to positively engage in the recovery journey. And I am always here if you have specific questions or questions over aspects of recovery I have not addressed.
***Also, remember this post is focused on eating disorder recovery in marriage. This does not apply to dating and recovery. The roles of boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife are not the same. There is a different level of leadership, intimacy, and responsibility required once you step from a temporary state into a covenant bound marriage.
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