My story begins in high school - feels like AGES ago but in reality it was only 4/5 years ago :)
Honestly the beginnings of the illness crept up slowly and I didn't notice it was there until it had already embedded itself inside of my head. From what I remember though, my story begins fall of my junior year....
I was a varsity soccer player, involved in band (nerdy I know), and part of honors society. I had a great group of girl friends, I was in a healthy relationship, and went to an awesome Christian school. I had a good relationship with God. Life was not spinning out of control, I was not discontent with my weight, and I enjoyed my life and more importantly to note... I very much enjoyed food.
So breaking one myth of eating disorders: they are not usually caused by vanity and unhappiness with physical appearance while that is often what I consider to be a symptom. there is usually something much deeper than that going on that is triggered in a very subtle way: for me it was soccer. I loved the sport and still think it is an extremely beautiful game. Per my typical people pleasing and perfectionistic self I really wanted to take senior year and dedicate myself to the sport. I started running outside of practice and really took to eating healthy to help promote my energy on the field - and it paid off. The coaches noticed!
Unfortunately though, I had flipped that switch inside of me and soon what began as a healthy habit was consuming. This exact reason is why eating disorders are considered to be so complex. There is a GIANT concoction of risk factors - immune, genetic, environmental, relational, physical, and psychological that all come together and present as an eating disorder - and they are different for each person. What triggered me... dieting and exercise for my sport... may not be the switch for someone else, and predicting the expression is incredibly challenging.
Ok now where were we before my science brain took over???
Oh ya! So now I had this all consuming black bundle of darkness in my brain and I wasn't really sure how it got there or why it was present. But, I did soon learn that ignoring it was miserable and would lead to a slew of harsh and degrading thoughts... and when I say harsh I mean make you wanna curl up in the corner of your room and cry harsh. So I listened, and slowly I became obsessed with the lifestyle this lil black bundle of darkness demanded. And soon, I no longer heard God's voice, or really anyone else for that matter. It was just me and the darkness putting on a show for the rest of the world. (The darkness was later to be named ED by my therapist and I will use Ed through the remainder of this blog).
So senior year comes....
Honestly you probably wouldn't be able to tell if I wasn't going to write it out here for ya but this girl is DYING. literally.
I was at this point stuck in a cycle of waking up and weighing myself, skipping meals, running extra after soccer and usually passing out exhausted on the floor while doing homework after dinner only to wake up exhausted the next morning to do it all again.
On the outside I seemed normal - my grades didn't slip, I still had friends and played sports- but on the inside I was quite honestly eating myself alive. My brain was a monster driven only by Ed and obsessive counting and my body was crying out for nutrition that I was actively refusing to give it... and let me tell you your body is RESILIENT but eventually even a body can break...and mine did.
It was march that my parents began to notice and decided to sign me up to get an evaluation by Children's and while an already-angry-at-God Alissa was not too thrilled that He was interfering with my life - but as usual He is there for us even when we think we know best just to save us from ourselves. And for me this was a saving grace because from this evaluation I was sent to the hospital for a week long stay because my heart had been weakened and I was putting myself in major risk... and I was officially diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.
And you would think that was the turning point for me... or maybe that the 8months of therapy following would've helped me understand and return to normal... or maybe studying exercise and science and nutrition in college... or wanting to be a medical professional - but no (dont get me wrong they helped but for me they were not the key). The moment I truly began recovering was when I decided that even if I could no longer see God, could no longer feel Him, could no longer hear Him... that I would pursue Him anyways and trust that He would be what I needed... and He was.
I didn't need science to fix me. I needed to be reminded that I am not defined by numbers and stats but by a God who knew me before I was born and took time to form me in my mother's womb (psalm 139:13). I needed to be surrounded by people who would not condemn me for my eating disorder but show Christ's love and walk with me through the chaos until I reached freedom in Christ. I needed God - I needed His love and grace to surround me. I needed His strength and courage within me. I needed His comforting words blocking out the thoughts that Ed fought to keep inside my head. And what I needed, He was faithful to provide all of that and more - not because I was a good christian, but because He is that good of a God.
And incase anyone has misunderstood, having God was not the key to an instant fix. RECOVERY IS HARDDDDDDDD and I am still in the middle of it. I have had probably more downs than ups, so many nights of tears, so many moments of pure stubbornness, longing to return to my eating disorder, and honestly my recovery path is very very messy. But I am still alive and kicking and that is all thanks to God... His intervention kept me here, His unconditional love sustained me, and His patient pursuit of my heart won me back and all along He knew that I would be writing my story that He so generously gave me to reach out to others who have the lil bundle of darkness as well.
God doesn't waste anything. He taught me so much during this period and through my eating disorder that if I had been given an easier path I may not have learned. And I just want to encourage you that God has a plan for you too. It may hurt now, I know recovery hurts, but if I can give you any advise it is this:
Whatever happens in your eating disorder path and recovery don't stop seeking God. Don't stop turning to Him in prayer - even if you don't have the strength He can understand your tears. Don't stop reading His word - in it is the truth that can combat the lies of ED. Don't stop dancing to your worship music and singing at the top of your lungs. And don't stop surrounding yourself with people who will walk with you through the storm and point God out to you at every step!
Here are some verses that helped me and I hope they help you:
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
James 4:7
Romans 12:1-2
Ephesians 3:11-13
Isaiah 40:28-31
Psalms 34:18
Hebrews 2:18
Phillipians 1:6
Psalms 139
Romans 8:38-39
Song of Solomon 4:7
Psalms 8:38-39
Matthew 6:25-33
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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