Over the past few months I have been battling another relapse, although it is not as severe as previous setbacks it still has the tendency to isolate and disrupt my attempts at a “normal” life. As a person of science, I have often wondered what risk factors I possess that make me more susceptible to having an eating disorder than my other friends, or, what places me at a greater risk for relapse? As a person of faith, I desire to understand what God is attempting to teach me through these trials, as everything He does has a purpose and is for our good. In Romans 8:28 we see this truth:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
One thing I have been convicted of, as I wrestle with these things, is my desire for control. This is not an uncommon desire in our day as people desperately seek stability and consistency in a world that seems to constantly shift and break underneath our feet. I mean we don’t exactly live in the most comforting and hopeful of times (however, we can find hope and peace in Christ!). For me, the desire for control partially stems from my anxiety, and partially from my perfectionistic, type-A personality. I like to perform to the best of my abilities and I like to do things well, something I have always felt can only be accomplished if my hands were holding the reigns. However, through my disorder God wanted to show me that in surrendering my life to Him I could accomplish far more, with more peace, and more joy!
But how?
First, I had to learn that perfection is unattainable! Yes, I still seek to do everything to the best of my abilities, and I have DEFINITELY not kicked my habit of obsessively desiring to be perfect, but I have realized that God is the only being who has ever, and will ever, attain perfection! Romans really drives this point home!
Romans 3:23 – “For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.”
Romans 3:10 – “As it is written: None is righteous, no, not one.”
Also, in Ecclesiastes, we see the same point reiterated!
Ecclesiastes 7:20 – “Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.”
Ok, I’m done now... I think you get the point! The reason this perfection is unattainable is because we are a fallen people in a fallen world. Originating with the first individuals in the garden of Eden, we have continued to sin against God, being sinful in nature. This is why Christ had to come die for us. He alone, being fully God AND fully man, could become a sacrifice to God for the sins of the world, a perfect lamb without blemish. Therefore, God has slowly opened my eyes to see the reality of perfectionism: futile. There is no way to achieve it, and no way to earn His love or acceptance. I can do everything in my human power to appear perfect... and trust me I have tried… but it only leads to being run down and ashamed, never satisfied by what you have accomplished. The only way to find fulfillment and enter into a relationship with God is to recognize your imperfection and faithfully follow and believe in the perfect Son of God.
Secondly, I had to realize that releasing my life to God, every single aspect, was the only way to really find stability and peace in the chaos of life. Yes, holding the reigns felt comfortable because I thought I could see what was coming next, but sitting behind God on the horse is a lot more enjoyable because He actually knows what is to come (kinda a weird metaphor but I'm here for it!). Now this lesson was harder to realize than the first, and I most definitely struggle with this aspect a lot! God practically had to slowly uncurl each finger, as I had my hand clamped shut around my life in attempts to protect myself from the world. And He did this through my eating disorder.
Now let me tell you… an eating disorder starts by offering you a sensation of control, but quickly you realize there is nothing actually within your power. Your eating disorder becomes the one in charge, and you its submissive servant. How much better it is to surrender to God and submit to Him. For in this surrender, there is sustained peace. No, you aren't in control, but God is a lot better at handling our messes anyways. Why? He knows our past, present and future. He knows the hairs on our heads and He cares for us (Matthew 10:29-31)! He wants to work His perfect will in our lives and if we release control will fulfill His plans through us!
Honestly, becoming dependent on God, while scary is beautiful and freeing. You form a more intimate relationship with God as you turn to Him for guidance and conviction, you begin to worry less about life as you trust God to provide, and you gain a new perspective based on the knowledge that God has you where He wants you, accomplishing what He wants you to, when He wants you to. Now, I still clench my hand every now and then, and that is typically when my disorder comes tumbling back into my life, but I am taking steps to learn full surrender. And it is so worth it! I have realized that my having control of life is not as powerful and enjoyable and influential as when I release my grip and allow God to take control and work through me.
Have I perfected this skill? No! Will I ever perfect it? Absolutely not! It is in my selfish and prideful human nature to assume that I can make it on my own. But, the more I pay attention to my desire for control, and consciously focus on giving everything in life to God, the more I will become like Him and less like the world. And as a Christian this should be our goal: more like Christ, and less like the world. More God, less me!
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